Additional Titles








Churches Are
Spreading Mad
Cow Disease

The Deluded Christian Church












By Coach Dave Daubenmire
June 18, 2009

I’m trying hard to be tolerant and to embrace diversity. I really am.

But it seems that every time I start to get a handle on things something pops up that throws all of my recent sensitivity training out of the window and sends my slowly emerging softer side into a tizzy.

I am struggling hard with my own identity right now. I know some of you probably have sensed it in some of my latest writings so I decided it was time for me to come clean. I have gotten away from reading the ultimate guide to hate speech, the Bible, and have been spending time reading books on how to be a wimpy, non-opinionated Christian wussy. You know the kind of books I’m talking about; the one’s that help a knuckle-dragger like me get in touch with his feminine side. (You can find them in your local Christian bookstore under Evangellyfish.)

Well, I have to admit that all of this Christian-psycho-babble is causing me to lose my Spiritual-equilibrium. Because of that, and for my own personal sanity, I am going to do something that I rarely do.

I am going to quit. That’s right. I am going to have to quit trying to be something that I am not. My frustration hit a new high today and I decided that it is time for me to come out of the closet.

It’s the confusion. I just can’t take all of the confusion. I’m tired of trying to hide who I really am just to please others. In order to be what everyone is telling me I need to be it would take the complete denial of everything rational.

I was born this way, and as much as I would like to change, and as much as I would like to please others, I can know longer live like this. Even though I have received classes on tolerance, diversity, and cultural sensitivity, my brain just is impossible to wash.

Two plus two equals four, A + B = C, and male + female + baby = family. I am hopefully lost, beyond redemption, and un-affected by indoctrination. Maybe I will get some peace when I finally admit who I really am. So, here goes.

I am a God-fearing, closed minded, clear thinking, Bible believing, evidence demanding, analytical, out-spoken, observer of society, who has come to the realization that I am not the one who is confused. (Ah! Catharsis!)

Most of you suffer from the same disorder, you just don’t realize it. We are purposely being confused by the confused. That’s right. Our citizenry is receiving a cultural lobotomy as we watch the confused media, parade confused experts into our living rooms, to confuse us on the meaning of things of which there should be no confusion. The same experts who said homosexuality was a mental illness now say it is not. It is merely a disorder…like a messy office, or bedroom, or children being out of alphabetical order when they line up to go to lunch. Disorder.

Let’s take the issue of “gender confusion.” I am going to lay out a few questions and I want you to tell me where I am missing it, or see if I am the only one who is really confused.

Chastity Bono, the once innocent daughter of Sonny and Cher, announced to the world two decades ago that she was a lesbian. Now if I understand lesbianism, (that’s impossible) according to the experts it is a condition where women are sexually/emotionally attracted to other women. “Same-sex attraction” is the term they give it. (I guess that sounds better than dyke.) But the experts were confused and decided instead that it was a lifestyle. But not just a lifestyle, like skiing at Aspen or spending $250,000 on a date in New York, but an inborn, inherent, immutable, born-that-way-characteristic. (One chooses a lifestyle, but not one’s gender, so how can homosexuality be a “lifestyle”?)

Up until the mid-seventies psychiatric experts classified homosexuality as a “mental illness.” Today the call it Gender Identity Disorder. I guess a “disorder” is not an illness, even though the definition of mental illness says it is. Change the words, change the world. Homosexuality is not an illness, it is a disorder. Look at this list of illnesses (oops! I mean disorders.) So I guess one is born with Eating Disorders that cannot be changed. (Thank goodness! I can get off of this diet.) I wonder which “experts” determine which disorders can be changed and which ones can’t.

After years of public indoctrination I thought I finally had it figured out. Lesbians were women who loved women and “chose” to live out their natural affinity for humans with breasts and vaginas. They were sort of like short people who were forced to play basketball. Making them engage in an activity (heterosexuality) that goes against their natural inclination would be like forcing Danny DeVito to play in the NBA. His body was designed to drink in excess because he is so much closer to the floor when he passes out. If we love him we should tolerate Danny living the way God created him. He has a “drinking disorder.” We all know that it is impossible for drunks to quit drinking. (Experts are vigorously looking for the alcoholic gene.)

So, in an effort to be a good Christian I had come to the point where I accepted Chastity’s lesbianism. I figured that anyone who had an in-her-sixties mother still parading on stage in a thong deserved a break. But when she announced last week that she was no longer a lesbian and was trading in her vagina for a penis I was forced to admit that she gave new meaning to one of her mom’s biggest hits.

You see, Chastity will no longer be Chastity the lesbian, but Chaz the artificial man. That’s right. All of this time her gender confusion has confused her and now she realizes that she has been living a lie. She wasn’t really a lesbian, but a Sonny trapped in a Cher’s body. A little plastic surgery, a shave and a haircut, and she’ll have you, Babe. The gender experts tell us it is perfectly normal and that anyone who would question it is not normal but hateful, judgmental and intolerant.

But here is where the confusion trips me up. When Chastity is finished with the sausage maker will she/he be a man or a lesbian in a man’s body? If she truly has same-sex attraction will she now all of the sudden start hanging out in the bath houses with the boys? If she currently has a significant other, who is a lesbian, does the significant other now become a heterosexual because Chastity is now Chaz? Or, do we just call them both bi-sexuals….or are they something new…say…tri-sexuals…loving men, women, and men who used to be women. I’m sorry, but I’m confused.

And this “born that way” thing is a problem for me, too. I thought we weren’t supposed to ask people to change, unless of course it is change we can believe in. But I don’t know what to believe in, anymore. Sorry, not trying to confuse you.

Will Chastity, (oops sorry) Chaz, now be attracted to men? Seems to me that if she was born with the “gay gene” her girlfriend is about to lose her former girlfriend to a gay man. (I wonder what Perez Hilton is up to.) Will Chaz’ opposite sex attraction to women now make him/her a heterosexual? If so, was she born a heterosexual or a homosexual? Did she have a gene transplant? (She gives new meaning to the term ex-girlfriend.)

Will Chaz be forced to get a new “certificate of live birth?” Not that it matters. (Why would anyone ever need a real birth certificate any more?) Is she still an American? The US Constitution says you have to be a “natural born” citizen. What she/he will become is certainly not natural. I guess he/she could just put a copy of a Certificate of Live Birth (CLB) on her website.

I’m sorry if I seem so out of touch. I’ve always been accused of being “too analytical.” Thanks goodness it will never happen in today’s schools. Anyone who thinks for himself would be labeled with a disorder, put on Ritalin, and assigned to special classes. There the experts will straighten him/her out.

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Before I go…

Shouldn’t pedophilia be labeled “Age Confusion Disorder”…Sex with animals “Species Confusion Disorder”…rape “Date Confusion Disorder ?”

I wonder if I could have an affair with Cher and label it “Spouse Confusion Disorder?” I wonder if my wife would buy the diagnosis. She might….she went to gommint scules.

Sorry, but I’m corn-fused.

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Do you think like a Christian or a humanist? Did the Founders really separate Church and State? Is Judicial tyranny ruining America? Check out these great teachings by the Coach

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Coach Dave Daubenmire, founder and President of Pass The Salt Ministries and Minutemen United, is host of the high octane Pass The Salt radio show heard in Columbus, Ohio.

In 1999 Coach Daubenmire was sued by the ACLU for praying with his teams while coaching high school in Ohio. He now spends his energy fighting for Christian principles in the public domain.

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I’m sorry if I seem so out of touch. I’ve always been accused of being “too analytical.” Thanks goodness it will never happen in today’s schools. Anyone who thinks for himself would be labeled with a disorder, put on Ritalin, and assigned to special classes. There the experts will straighten him/her out.