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By Lee Duigon
June 26, 2011
NewsWithViews.com

In conjunction with the New York State Legislature’s passage of its new “gay marriage” law, a group of progressive churchmen has released a brand-new Bible to replace the old.

“By ‘brand-new’ we mean exactly that,” said Rev. Caiaphas Legion, pastor of Squawking Idiot Episcopal Church in Sinkhole, Vermont. “All the old stuff has been thrown out, so that we can have a Bible tailored to today’s needs.

“Replacing God’s word isn’t as difficult as you might think. You just get new words. We have an illustrious panel of theologians, ministers, seers, fortune-tellers, and yoga experts who have all been the recipients of continuing revelation for quite some time.”

The theological brains behind this new Nowadays Bible is Dr. Al Crowley, the Simon Magus Professor of Theology at Grand Union Theological Seminary in Mordor, New York.

“’Continuing revelation’ is just that—God has continued to reveal things to a select group of very with-it people,” Dr. Crowley explained. “I mean, why should God stop talking to us 2,000 years ago? Did She run out of things to say? Heck, no! God knew we needed a new Bible, so now we’ve got one.”

Although the Nowadays Bible won’t go on sale until the first “gay marriages” are consummated at New York City Hall, we have been given a sneak preview of its contents by one of the panelists, Priestess Portia Gluesniffer of the Temple of the Glistening Slug Goddess in Drivel City, California.

The centerpiece of the New Old Testament, she says, is the New Ten Commandments, reproduced below.

One. Thou shalt have no other gods before me—unless, of course, you sincerely believe in them. Then thou canst have as many as you want.

Two. Never mind that business about graven images—thou shalt indeed worship the work of thine own hands. I’ve completely changed my mind about that.

Three. Thou shalt indeed take the name of the Lord in vain, whenever it serveth a good purpose. But watch out for what thou sayest about women, gays, minorities, or the fantastically wonderful people who ruleth thee! Otherwise thou couldst find thyself busted for hate speech.

Four. Forget the Sabbath day and don’t bother to keep it holy. I mean, really, who careth about that anymore?

Five. Honor thy two fathers or thy two mothers, or thy sperm donor, or whatever. After all, a family is whatever anyone sincerely saith it is.

Six. Thou shalt not kill, unless authorized to do so by an official government death panel. Abortions also are a good work.

Seven. Thou shalt indeed commit adultery whenever it pleaseth thee. In fact, since all imaginable sexual connections are now permitted, it hath become impossible to commit adultery. Enjoy the party!

Eight. Thou shalt not steal, unless thou hast a majority in the legislature or a friendly judge on the bench. Then thou canst steal anything from anybody.

Nine. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless he standeth in the way of social justice. Then thou mayest slander him right into the nearest re-education camp.

Ten. Thou shalt indeed covet anything and everything that is thy neighbor’s. Goodness gracious—how canst thou run any kind of political campaign without whipping people into a frenzy of covetousness?

“You’ll notice,” adds Priestess Portia, “that God still likes to use a lot of the old Bibly-kind of language. We think it adds dignity. We’re very much into dignity.”

We asked if there would be any surprises in the Nowadays Bible version of the New Testament. The priestess answered with a twinkle in her eye.

“I might as well tell you,” she said, “because we do want people to be ready for it. What’s new about our New New Testament is—no Jesus!”

No Jesus?

“We had to write him out,” said Portia. “He just isn’t inclusive enough. And if you read the old New Testament carefully, you’ll find that Jesus says and does some pretty hurtful and divisive things. Always telling people they’re going to go to Hell if they don’t behave in a certain way—that’s just not Christian, is it? Jesus really isn’t a very good example, and besides which, the whole Jesus thing is just too male, not to mention heterosexist. So God told us to scrap the old New Testament and put in a new one.”

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But who will take Jesus’ place as Savior?

“In today’s diverse world,” Portia said, “there’s a savior for everybody. So the New New Testament has woman and gay and Muslim and non-believing saviors in it, something for everybody. The point is, ultimately, that each of us is her or his own Christ. It has been revealed to me and several others that that’s the direction Christianity has gotta go.”

As a last tidbit, we were given a peek at the rewritten Golden Rule:

Do unto others, period.

“God knows that one’s a lot easier to live by than the old one,” Priestess Portia said. “And isn’t ‘easy’ what Christianity’s all about?”