April 18, 2013
Ladies and gentlemen—oh, excuse me! I meant to say “Persons of all the various genders”—welcome to the world’s first theme park for liberals and progressives, dedicated entirely to their ideals.
Please, walk this way. This is the main entrance to Lib-Land. Just ignore that sign above the gate; I can’t imagine why that Dante fellow put it there. This way, please. It costs all your money to get into Lib-Land, and once you’re in, there’s no way out. Just joking, ha-ha!
I see you’ve already spotted park employees scurrying around in costume, expertly made up to impersonate your most beloved progressive characters. They’re all here—Chuck Schumer, Rachel Maddow, Nancy Pelosi, Van Jones, Al Gore, and of course our glorious president and the Worst Lady. Notice the little red pitchforks carried by many of the characters. That’s for hustling visitors along and administering attitude adjustments in the form of a sharp electric shock. You’ll soon learn to jump when they say you should jump!
No, no, comrade, that’s not a giant mound of what-you-said. That’s Michael Moore.
Naturally, you’re all eager to try our many rides. But that one over there, the rocket ship, you should save for last. That’s the Taxation Rocket Ride, and it’s a one-way trip straight up until it explodes in the ionosphere. So you see there actually is a way out of Lib-Land!
That building over there is our state-of-the-art hall of mirrors, which we call the Hall of Obamacare. You can have countless hours—or days, or weeks, or months—of fun, trying to navigate your way through that. The mirrors are specially treated to distort reflections, and some of them will even show you things that aren’t there. Do be careful not to step on any of the special floor-boards that give way at the slightest pressure and toss you down to the Death Panels! Our alligators are always hungry.
Wow! Did you see that? Our loveable “Rosie O’Donnell” character just conked a visitor over the head with a sack of brickbats. Don’t worry—she hasn’t killed him. It’s all part of our wonderful new game, “Obey the Gay.” Let me tell you how it works.
Throughout the park we have sensors cleverly concealed in the pavement. When an unwary visitor passes over one of them, a trap-door springs open, right in front of you, and a Gay Activist figure pops out—rather like a jack-in-the-box. The Gay Activist will demand that the visitor do some little thing, and if you don’t instantly obey, you’ll get clobbered. It’s kind of like a game of “Simon Says.” Your only thought must be to “Obey the Gay” as quick as a wink, no matter what. Usually the demand is simple, something like “Celebrate diversity” or “Kick the Bible.” But it takes quick thinking to obey the order instantly!
By the way, comrades, whenever you get hungry, just flash your Food Stamp card, and the person next to you will have to buy you lunch.
Moving on, you can see those little boats disappearing into one of our most popular rides, the Tunnel of Amnesty. It’s dark and spooky inside, and very loud instructions are constantly broadcast in rapid-fire Spanish. When you least expect it, one of our fun-loving “Undocumented Worker” characters will snatch away your shoes, your pants, your glasses—maybe even your dentures, if he’s really quick. Social justice with a capital “S”!
Over there you’ll see the Gang-Banger-Go-Round. This high-speed carousel—the traditional capitalist horses have been replaced by replicas of burnt-out cars—whisks you past ever-changing panoramas of Detroit, Camden, and Gary, Indiana, while vigorous “gangsta” music plays loudly in the background. To add to the excitement, real, live gang members will beat you up if you try to get off.
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So why would you ever want to get on it in the first place? Because it’s the only way out of our spectacular viewing experience in that big tent next door—which we call “The Feminist Mistake,” er, “Mystique.” Inside, you’ll be treated to continuous, non-stop performances of “The Vagina Monologues,” guaranteed to drive you positively wild! During our grand opening, alas, one visitor, who didn’t realize you can get out of the Mystique via the Gang-Banger-Go-Round, actually bit himself in the jugular vein. We’re still trying to work out how he did that! We don’t want a repetition of such disturbing incident.
Of course there’s a lot more to Lib-Land than what I’ve shown you; but we think our visitors are best off discovering the rest for themselves. But just as a word to the wise, I wouldn’t go too near the Hilary Clinton Colossus if I were you.
© 2013 Lee Duigon - All Rights Reserved
Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on www.amazon.com