BEDBUGS IN CONGRESS
Bedbugs have invaded New York, Philadelphia, Detroit, Cincinnati, and every other major American city. They are filthy wingless insects that cause physical and mental distress. Despite the seriousness of the epidemic, Americans are not paying enough attention to one place where bedbugs have been since at least the turn of the Twentieth Century. The bedbugs I refer to suck every American’s life’s blood, leaving each a hollow shell with nothing to show for a life of hard work. They are the worst of all bedbugs, as far as I am concerned. They infest the people’s house (the House of Representatives and the Senate of the United States). They are your Congressmen and Senators.
If you ever encounter a bedbug, look it straight in the eye. Tell me if it does not closely resemble your elected representative: Hard headed with black beady eyes fixed unyieldingly in one direction, mandibles moving about like mad (always jawing about something), interested mainly in itself, and with mouthparts that can pierce and draw your blood (or at least empty your pocketbook). Tell me that is not your Congress critter. Tell me which ones are worse, the big fat ones in Congress who eat up our tax dollars (and then some) or the tiny ones on a mattress?
Some challenge my scientific accuracy, but I can attest that members of Congress are in fact indistinguishable from bedbugs but for their size. They are very large and nasty pests. Few dispute my contention that congressional bedbugs are sucking the life’s blood out of America. Indeed, by an unbiased read, most elected representatives satisfy Webster’s definition of bedbugs. According to Webster’s a bedbug is “a wingless bloodsucking” pest “sometimes infesting houses and especially beds and feeding on human blood.” Members of Congress are all of that. They are wingless (and often clueless). They are bloodsucking (and sometimes deadly). They feed off of everyone else’s blood, sweat and tears (and use up all of your money way beyond the cost of an exterminator).
They cause major irritation to everyone I know, leading some people to break out in a cold sweat, if not a rash, to hyperventilate, and to experience a profound sense of helplessness. They infest not only the House but also the Senate. They infest many a bed (oftentimes of complete strangers). Indeed, I am sure that some folks have risen in the morning shocked to find ones unexpectedly snoring right next to them. To be sure, while I rarely encounter someone victimized by the little bedbugs, I have yet to meet a person not appalled by the big bad bedbugs in Congress.
Although professional exterminators may succeed in ridding the nation of most bedbug species, they cannot rid us of bedbugs in the nation’s Capitol. Those ones are just too hardy. You see bedbugs in Congress are pesticide resistant. They return year after year no matter what. Just ask J.D. Hayworth about John McCain. In time, I am confident that we will rid almost every American city of bedbugs, but I am not sanguine about the prospects for ridding D.C. of its congressional bedbugs. Apparently if you maintain temperatures at 113° Fahrenheit for several hours, bedbugs usually croak, but I have seen John McCain speak outside in Phoenix when temperatures top that, and he is never the worse for the wear.
There is one novel approach recommended by entomologists that we may consider. That is to deploy an army of spiders in areas of infestation. In 1923 Athens (another great Democracy), that Capitol city was also besot by bedbugs, but by 1925 nary a one could be found. What happened? Running crab spiders. Running crab spiders chow down on bedbugs in Capitol cities. They can eat a whole mess of them in one sitting. It is speculated that wolf, yellow sac, and jumping spiders also find bedbugs irresistible. I have seen many huge wolf spiders (with six inch long legs) in Northern Virginia and D.C. that could give Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid a good chase. Certain Tea Party candidates strike me as the equivalent of handsome crab, wolf, yellow sac, or jumping spiders and may do us all a big favor come election time by getting rid of a whole slew of Capitol bedbugs.
Another way I know at least most members of Congress are bedbugs is that they do fear spiders. Ask Terminix. Arachnophobia is big on Capitol Hill. Nancy Pelosi hates spiders. D.C. is also famous for cockroaches and very big rats (I once saw a large dead rat in front of the White House during the Monica Lewinsky scandal and thought it a fitting tribute). I know it is illegal to put a spider in Congress (no bedbug would extend such an invitation), so we cannot try that.
I do know, however, that tax dollars pay for many largely uneventful (and boring) meetings on Capitol Hill. My idea is to get a bunch of entomologists to hold a meeting at the National Science Foundation on useful habitats for spiders in the D.C. area and to recommend the U.S. Botanic Garden on Capitol Hill as a perfect spot for running crab, wolf, yellow sac, and jumping spiders.
I’m sure some already exist there (and I never see members of Congress there even though it is right next to the House and Senate office buildings and the Capitol building). The entomologists could then protest, with the aid of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, any attempt to cage the spiders within the confines of the U.S. Botanic Garden, leading eventually to their eight legged migration to the largest source of nearby vittles, the bedbugs in Congress.
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It seems we can vote congressional critters out at times but then we end up with new ones who act just like the old ones, sucking our life’s blood all over again. Bedbugs in the Capitol may be here to stay. Maybe the hotels, motels, airports, YMCA’s, and YWCA’s will have better luck.
� 2010 Jonathan W. Emord - All Rights Reserved