September 10, 2014
"Valerie, I want my entire cabinet, chief of staff and the entire joint chiefs in my office in one hour. If they can't be here in person, get them to call me on the video scrambler."
"Yes Mr. President."
An hour passes.
"Valerie, what is going on? No one is here. Where are they?"
"They wouldn't come Mr. President."
"What do you mean, they wouldn't come!?"
"To a man and woman, they said they were busy Mr. President."
"Busy!" Are you kidding me?"
"No Mr. President, I'm not kidding. They said that you have screwed everything up so badly that they are having to clean up the messes you made and they don't have time to meet with you?"
"Well we'll just see about that. Get Kerry on the video scrambler."
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Hi there Mr. President, I know you called an emergency cabinet meeting, but I just can't make it."
"What do you mean, you can't make it? Do you know whom you are talking to? I'm the President of the United States for God's sake. You can't just put me off like this. Where are you?"
"I'm in the Bahamas Mr. President."
"What are you doing there?"
"I'm negotiating a peace agreement between Brazil and Argentina."
"That's right Mr. President. Brazil and Argentina are ramping up the war drums and I have to get them to back off and sign a peace treaty."
"In the Bahamas?"
"Yes, Mr. President. They didn't want to meet in their own countries and the delegates forced me to come to the Bahamas for the negotiations."
"What's all that laughing and giggling in the background Kerry."
"Oh that. The delegates insisted on bringing their mistresses with them and we're in the hotel room now, negotiating a peace deal."
"How many delegates and mistresses are there in that room?"
"Two delegates and five mistresses."
"John, just what kind of a deal are you negotiating with these delegates?"
"Well Mr. President, now we are negotiating who gets to sit next to which mistress. These are very delicate negotiations and there is some disagreement as to who gets the prettiest one. It's possible that there could be some violent encounters between the two delegates over this. But I'm negotiating that too. Anyhow Mr. President, you've screwed things up so bad, I might as well get some fun out of this thankless job. And while I have you on the phone Mr. President, your cover up of the Benghazi attack on 9/11 has really put me in a tight spot. I can't keep covering up for you forever. One of these days the truth will come out that you knew the Consulate was not properly defended and further, you gave the order to stand down to the CIA chief in Benghazi and AFRI-COM because you were afraid that someone would discover you were illegally using the CIA to run guns through Turkey into Syria. Do you remember who Ambassador Stevens was talking to the night of the attack Mr. President? That's right, the Turkish Ambassador. What were they talking about Mr. President before the Ambassador and three other brave American's lights were put out by the jihadists? Running guns, that's what!"
"Kerry, you have no right to talk to me that way! Stop those ridiculous negotiations and report to the White House immediately."
"Sure Mr. President, when I'm finished here. I'm really having a lot of fun with these negotiations. Actually, the Brazilians and Argentineans are really friendly and gregarious people, especially their mistresses."
"Kerry hung up on me. He can't do that. I'll fire him."
"Valerie, get me Chuck Hagel on the video scrambler, now!"
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Hi Mr. President, Chuck here, what do you want?"
"What do I want?!!! You were called to an emergency cabinet meeting. Why aren't you here?"
"Well you see Mr. President, you have so badly depleted our military forces with your 'more butter than guns' policy, I'm at dinner in Paris with the CEO of Lockheed Martin telling him there won't be any more military contracts and he's going to have to lay off over 50,000 employees before the midterm elections. He's furious Mr. President and I doubt if he is going to contribute to any more Democrat politicians for many years to come and he intends to be pretty vocal about it. He's threatening to contribute huge sums to the Republicans. This won't help the Democrats in the midterms at all Mr. President, or in 2016."
"Why did you have to go to Paris to tell him that?"
"That's where he was Mr. President and he was pretty insistent that I come here. I think he just came from a meeting with some French generals to see if he could build and sell military hardware to them. He's really mad."
"I don't care how mad he is. I'm going to follow through with my social justice policy come Hell or high water and I don't care what happens to the military industrial complex."
"That's all well and good Mr. President, but the joint chiefs, high-level officers and the ranks in all of the branches of the service are rapidly losing any loyalty or confidence in you, if it wasn't lost before you took office. And what's all this crap about you saying you're going to destroy ISIS to a manageable level? That's nuts, if I might say so Mr. President. What in the Hell were you thinking? You can't manage a bully you can only kill him, especially savage bullies. What military management school did you attend? And while I have your ear Mr. President, why do you let Putin push you around? When you drew a red line over chemical weapons in Syria, why did you let Putin broker a deal instead of blasting the Hell out of Assad? And where are those chemical weapons now Mr. President? They were supposed to be taken out of Syria and destroyed. They are still in Syria Mr. President and I'll bet ISIS would love to get their hands on them. As you sit on your hands and twiddle your thumbs, if that is even anatomically possible, ISIS may very well get its hands on those chemical weapons. If they do, their savagery and killing power will know no bounds. Why haven't you hit ISIS with everything in our aerial arsenal Mr. President? And another thing! When Putin started moving into the Ukraine's Crimea region, why didn't you put an aircraft carrier battle group into the Black Sea and challenge him? Why do you always have to have a cast of the willing to make a decision in the best interests of the United States? You are weak Mr. President and the whole world knows it and it's coming apart at the seams because of your weakness. Like the military, your cabinet has lost faith in your leadership, or lack thereof. I have a good mind to resign and write a book about what I know. Anyhow Mr. President, I have to get back to my guest now."
"You can't talk to me that way Chuck! Break off that dinner meeting and ……."
"Now my Secretary of Defense just hung up on me. What's going on?"
"Valerie, get Jack Lew on the phone will you?"
"Yes, Mr. President."
"This is Jack. What's up Mr. President?"
"What's up! Didn't you get the message about an emergency cabinet meeting?"
"Yes Mr. President, but I was busy working with the IRS Commissioner on covering up the e-mails between you and the Commissioner and Lois Lerner. These guys in Congress, especially that Daryl Issa and Trey Gowdy, are like a pair of pit bulls. Once they grab on, they won't let go and we're having real trouble keeping the evidence from them. We're running out of excuses Mr. President! You better do something before the truth comes out and they impeach you, or throw you in jail. I'm really tired of cleaning up your political messes Mr. President. If I had any honor, I'd resign. In any event, I'm in a meeting with the Commissioner and the IRS Chief Counsel looking for more ways we can keep the damning Tea Party targeting evidence out of the hands of Congress. Gotta run now. See ya."
"Damn, Jack hung up on me too."
"Valeria, get me Eric on the phone immediately."
"Eric who, Mr. President."
"Don't be flippant Valerie. You know very well who I mean ….. Eric Holder, the Secretary of the Department of Justice!"
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Hey Mr. President, I'm in Ferguson with Al Sharpton right now trying to create more racial tension and stir up more black votes for the Democrats. What do you need?"
"What do I need?!!! I called my cabinet together for an emergency meeting. Didn't anyone call you?"
"Yeah, someone called from the Whitehouse but I didn't answer it."
"You didn't answer a call from the Whitehouse?!!!"
"No, I'm really busy Mr. President and I don't have time for you right now and if you have any hope of keeping the Senate in November, you had better let me do this dirty job."
"But that is exactly why I was calling the emergency meeting. We have to work together as a team of the willing to make sure that doesn't happen. We need to come up with a bag of dirty tricks and an October surprise to stop the Republicans from taking the Senate. They already have the House. Do you know they could end up with a super majority in the Senate? This is serious Eric. I won't be able to get anything done in my last two years. My goal to fundamentally transform America in my image and my legacy will be ruined."
"Sure it's serious but they will probably do it anyhow Mr. President. You have messed things up so bad with hiding Fast and Furious, not closing the border, allowing thousands of illegal kids into the country who have to be cared for with taxpayer dollars and letting thousands of illegal alien criminals loose on the streets. What did you expect? Oh and one more thing Mr. President. You killed the Democrat party by talking us into passing Obama Care without one Republican vote. The backlash from that alone was enough to turn the tide to the Republicans. You really screwed this one up and as the president you should have seen this coming and done something before it got this bad. Now I really have to go Mr. President. I'm working with a group to start race riots when they find that officer innocent of killing Michael Brown. Like the Missouri Senator said, you ain't seen nothing yet, if they let that officer off the hook. Gotta run Mr. President. Bye!"
"The press just found out that you called an emergency meeting of your cabinet and no one showed up and they want to know why. Do you have a statement for the press Mr. President?"
"No, tell them I am leaving for Las Vegas to do a fund-raiser and I won't be back for several days."
"But Mr. President, the calls are coming in from all over the United States asking why no one showed up for the emergency cabinet meeting. The switchboard, the Internet, Facebook and Twitter are on fire! You have to do something Mr. President! You have to make a statement!"
"I am going to do something Valerie. I'm getting out of here. The pressure is too great and I'm turning grayer every time I look in the mirror. This job is tougher than I thought it would be and even with all the perks, like Air Force One and the long vacations don't make this job any easier. These hard decisions I am being forced to make are making an old man out of me. If I don't get out of here, I'm going to blow my top. Sick Josh on the press. He lies really good and he'll be able to spin it so I come out looking good. Oh, and one more thing. Tell Michelle that I'm leaving. I'm getting more than a little tired of her nagging and griping. The show girls of Las Vegas will be a welcome relief."
Valerie gets no answer to her repeated calls to the President. Suddenly, she hears the sound of a helicopter echoing through the halls of the Whitehouse as it leaves for Andrews Air Force Base …. carrying the tired, weary, befuddled and beleaguered President of the United States to a soft venue. This community organizer, this purveyor of a mirage called hope and change, this indecisive executive that has been shunned by his own cabinet, leaves for another fund-raiser for the rapidly declining Democrat Party, a party that was done in by a slick, silver tongued, snake oil salesman known by the half-African and half-Muslim name of Barack Hussein Obama. As the President boarded the helicopter, the marine at the bottom of the stairs heard the president mutter under his breath, "damn Bush and damn Hillary!"
[NOTE: The following article represents the opinion of the author and is not necessarily shared by the owners, employees, representatives, or agents of the publisher.]
� 2014 Ron Ewart — All Rights Reserved
Ron Ewart, a nationally known author and speaker on freedom and property issues and author of his weekly column, "In Defense of Rural America", is the President of the National Association of Rural Landowners, (NARLO) (http://www.narlo.org) a non-profit corporation headquartered in Washington State, an advocate and consultant for urban and rural landowners. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
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