by Marc H. Rudov
October 10, 2009
Think Neville Chamberlain
In algebra, we learned that mathematical relationships fall into one of three categories: equal to, greater than, or less than. Your relationship is no different. Which one is it?
Here’s how to conclude that the “equal sign” does not represent your relationship or marriage: your girlfriend or wife has the upper hand. Your life with her is filled with deference, fear, and appeasement. Think Neville Chamberlain, the British prime minister who appeased Hitler. How did that work out?
No man is equal to his wife or girlfriend if he constantly grovels to and pays her for sex. As I explained in “Why Men Want VD,” their relationship is actually despotism, voluntary despotism. Nobody forced him to accept this pathetic, emasculating lifestyle. He willingly became her subject, her hostage — starting with their initial contact.
He steels himself for the long-term tolerance and “love” of his captor, in the process becoming her poster boy for Stockholm syndrome. It follows, therefore, that their bed is the stage for Stockholm sex, which he buys with chores, undeserved apologies, unwanted pets, fancy meals, silence, jewelry, furs, cars, vacations, country clubs, homes, and objectionable decorations.
Every day on this stage is filled with cold shoulders, resentment, disrespect, pettiness, secrecy, glowering, knotted stomachs, and fantasies about or actual infidelity. Their greater-than/less-than dynamic — the rule, not the exception, in most lives — is headed for a disastrous, destructive end.
Regina of Redistribution
Any woman who believes a man owes her money, simply because she’s a female, is a merchant maureen. And, feeling entitled to his largesse simply because he’s the richer one makes her a socialist, a regina of redistribution.
In fact, she’s entitled to nothing. So, the man who obliges her in either case is a eunuch — lacking balls and knowledge of female sexuality.
I hear frequently from both genders that men and women are not equal, cannot be equal, should not be equal. Tell that to the US Constitution. Tell that to Ursula Burns, CEO of Xerox. People uncomfortable with peer relationships are, in fact, uncomfortable with themselves. Insecurity is no foundation for any relationship.
Here’s the gist of a recent conversation I had with a female NoNonsense Coaching client. It illustrates the typical inequality between men and women, which most men encourage, enable, tolerate, and finance:
Rudov: Have you ever taken a man out to dinner?
Female Client: I prefer to make dinner at home, even though it’s a lot of work and costs more money.
Rudov: Your answer is illogical nonsense. Taking a man to a restaurant would be much cheaper and zero work, yet you choose the harder, more-expensive solution? The real reason you avoid taking him out is that you don’t want others to see you handing your credit card to a waiter while a man sits there. That would be humiliating … because men are “supposed” to pay for women, right?
Female Client: Well, no man would ever let me pay. He’d rather be dead than let a woman pay.
Rudov: Let you pay? This man is not your boss or father; you don’t need his permission to pay. Did you ask your ex-husband’s permission to file for divorce?
Female Client: No.
Rudov: So, you don’t need permission to spend his money but need it to spend yours? Huh?
Female Client: [silence].
Rudov: Do you now see the voluntary inequality between men and women, and why they make it impossible to get along with each other?
Female Client: Yes. To be honest, I’ve never thought about this before.
This exchange above illustrates the chief reason men choose — and get — Stockholm sex: they see women as “greater than” themselves and willingly travel on the Estrogen Express.
Why would my client have thought about this issue before our exchange if no man had ever challenged her? People respect only those who challenge them, only those who refuse to be doormats.
The NoNonsense Bottom Line
The next time someone asks you to name your sign, don’t think horoscope. Think about your woman. If equal sign isn’t your response, you’re her hostage. You are engaged in Stockholm sex — and it’s your fault. You chose it, and her.