The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has called for massive carbon taxes that would be the equivalent of a $240 per gallon tax on gasoline—which I know sounds bughouse-ready crazy, but that’s what they said. And along with the tax—we have to do this to Save The Planet, global warming, y’know, everybody’s gonna die—the panel has called for “societal changes that are unprecedented in scale.”
Gee, that sounds ambitious! Even for the UN, that’s a big project. Like, what kind of societal changes do they have in mind? How will they decide which unprecedented changes to plug in first?
For advice and assistance, the UN has turned to a study group headed by Dr. Helza Poppin, professor of Environmental Justice Planet-Saving Intersectional Wimmins’ Gender Studies at Fanabla University.
“It’s clear that government is going to have to evolve to be more authoritarian,” Dr. Poppin said, “but with progressive citizens of the world in charge of it all, nothing can possibly go wrong. And the changes we plan to impose are all changes that the common people really want. They just don’t know it yet!”
The most immediate changes, she explained, will have to be aimed at scaling back the common people’s standard of living to pre-industrial levels. “Electricity will still be available to rulers and scientists, who really need it, and don’t worry about high technology being lost, because all the people who really matter will be fully equipped with every kind of high-tech gadget you can think of. But we can’t have electricity being mindlessly and wastefully consumed by millions of little pipsqueak nobodys who need to go to bed earlier, anyway. And I’m afraid we’re going to have to require them to give up certain superfluous luxuries like private home ownership and cars. It’s easy and environmentally responsible to fit several families into a single-family home! Think of the fun they’ll have, playing Chutes and Ladders together—until it gets dark and they have to go to bed.”
At the same time, she continued, there will have to be societal changes geared to reducing the population.
“Gender reassignment needs to be made compulsory,” Dr. Poppin said. “The good news is that once your gender is reassigned, you can have all the sex you want without any risk of pregnancy.”
But wouldn’t that eventually cause the human race to go extinct?
Dr. Poppin chortled merrily. “There will always be fetal tissue available for harvesting by women’s reproductive health companies. Having fought so hard for reproductive health freedom, we aren’t about to give it up! A woman’s right to choose is sacrosanct. Don’t even think about giving up Roe v. Wade!”
Advised that she hadn’t answered the question, she broke into a peal of laughter. “With the advances that we’ll make in science,” she said, “no one will ever be sick anymore, and no one will die until administrators decide his time is up.”
Also on the study group’s bucket list are proposals to outlaw all religion, except for non-Christian religions, to make hospice care mandatory for everyone over 40 years old (except for scientists, members of the World Senate, and movie stars), forbid the consumption of meat or other animal products (“Because animals have rights, too—and what are human beings but animals?”), and an intriguing proposal to require the singing of “We Are the World” every time anyone exits or enters a building.
“Let’s face it,” said Dr. Poppin, “world government is the place we want to go, and we want to get there as soon as we can! Singing ‘We Are the World’ a dozen times a day will help make people’s minds right, and will improve morale. I mean, really—who can be angry when they’re singing? Remember, all these societal changes are engineered to make the whole world happy.”
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