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By Attorney Steve Grow
April 16, 2013
NewsWithViews.com

(On occasion my thoughts turn to other less serious topics than those I usually write about. Especially if you live in Southern Oregon (and even if you don’t) you might enjoy the full-of-baloney page advertisement intended to appear in the first issue of my favorite imaginary newspaper The Newark Clock. We have lots of wineries throughout coastal Oregon—not only in Southern Oregon’s Applegate Valley.)

Something you should consider if you should ever tire of visiting wineries in Southern Oregon’s Applegate Valley.

A Dangerous Case of Winery Fatigue Syndrome Can Arise. There are so many potential causes, but one of the most common is Rolling Hills Ennui. This arises due to the monotonous fact that every darn winery has rolling hills. (If they don't look like that at first, just wait until you have tasted several glasses of their vintage—then everything starts to roll, and walking on flat ground seems like walking uphill or downhill. See what I mean?)

Fortunately, There Are Alternatives to Applegate Valley Wineries. The very nearby CrabbyApplegate Valley features some intriguing alternatives to the ordinary winery. One was recently featured in this full-of-baloney-page ad in Thinkery’s favorite newspaper, The Newark Clock.

Visit Whiner’s—THE Preeminent Whinery in the Crabbyapplegate Valley

The CrabbyApplegate River has flowed through a certain State of Mind ever since people first realized they had something to complain about. To reach it from the Applegate Valley in Oregon, you need only cross the state line into that particular State of Mind. At Whiner’s, we produce vintages created exclusively from sour grapes—the most popular of these fine whines is called “Pour, Pour, Pitiful Me”. Almost equally popular is our fine “Really Pissed Off”, which is made from sour versions of the same grapes that many wineries use to produce Pinot Noir. Former Iowans not skilled in French sometimes refer to that type of wine, quite mistakenly, as “pee no more”. Since our Whinery was first conceived by a former Iowan of dubious sophistication, he had that vintage, and its misnomer, in mind when naming our very fine “Really Pissed Off”. We also feature fine beers to cry in--among them our ever popular “Do Bears Cry in their Beer?” Non-alcoholic beverages include sour grape juice and sour milk. (Non-sour milks, especially any sort of “Milk of Human Kindness”, are banned throughout the Crabbyapplegate Valley and subject to confiscation. (We then let it turn sour and add it to our stocks.) The only normal cocktails we serve are anything and bitters.

You will have much more than our beverages to look forward to when you visit us.

• First consider our grounds. Our lovely rolling hills (some things you can’t escape even at a Whinery, sorry, but it is good for our business if we give you something to complain about) are covered with picturesque sour grape vines and charming crab apple tree orchards. Our weed-filled lawns are composed of the finest crab grass, with lots of those weeds with prickly sharp stuff to step on. Our well-tended hedges are thistle- and thorn-bearing bushes. Our flower beds are composed exclusively of rose bushes, from which we carefully remove all the flowers, before sharpening and polishing the thorns, so as to turn the flower beds into a bed of blossomless thorns.

• To add to your enjoyment, our Whining and Dining Room features a selection of fine music. The tunes on our jukebox that we make the most money on from crowds that seem to drink a lot of Pour, Pour Pitiful Me (or We) are: “Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me” and “Poor, Poor, Pitiful We” and “You Ruined My Life.” On nights when we sell a lot of our Really Pissed Off vintage, the jukebox is frequently asked to play either “My Life’s a Mess, and It’s Somebody Else’s Fault” or “My Life Would Be Great If Not for You!!”—many crowds of females on such nights favor the simply titled song “Men!!!!”, male crowds the song “Women!!!!”

• Our eats include a number of fine options. One popular item is our Whine and Cheese Platter, consisting of chitter-chatter cheese and two other cheeses that we know you will love to hate, all carefully prepared so as to have a lot of really icky mold on them (guaranteed NOT to contain penicillin or anything useful).

• We don’t use ordinary wine goblets at Whiner’s—we serve only from our unique and charming Wrath of Grapes Goblets.

• There are certain rules designed for the benefit of all our guests—the most important of these are to prevent any possibly contagious outbreak of cheerfulness. Although the drinking of liquids is entirely optional one must drink deeply of self-pity and soak up as much real or feigned sympathy from others as possible. You can stay as long as you want—but only so long as you keep complaining and whining persistently about someone or something. (If you are so unlucky and unwise as to cheer up--and not conceal it skillfully, our bouncer will evict you with lightning speed, and you must stumble or smile your way along to the next establishment. We do find that people evicted for this reason, often become so enraged and bummed out about it that they cease being cheerful, and start whining and complaining to the bouncer—whereupon they are eligible for immediate readmission. So the fate of being bounced for good seldom happens.)

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Do visit us the next time you are in the mood. Reservations advised, but we will pretend you have not made a reservation when you show up even if you have made one. Don’t worry. We will let you in anyway. We just want to give you yet another thing to feed to your resentment—so as to enhance your enjoyment and make you want to come back and see us again and again. So even if you aren’t worked up into a good range when you arrive, we will help you get into the right spirit.