W.R. Marshall -- Help Wanted: Apply 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

HELP WANTED: APPLY 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
September 8, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

Wanted: Attorney General

This position will not make you a General or much of an Attorney. Previous experience unnecessary; on the job training in memory loss and incompetence will be given to the successful candidate. LSAT scores and alma mater are irrelevant (although graduates of Regent University will be given special consideration). YOU MUST HAVE NO BACKGROUND IN CONSTITUTIONAL LAW. Blind loyalty and the ability to ignore your conscience a big plus, however, the successful candidate should ideally have no conscience at all and be able to ignore everything, especially the law. Sycophants move to the top of the short list. Please send CV to the above address�unless your CV is longer than two pages, if so, please do not apply.

Wanted: Press Secretary

Unlike the Attorney General position, you must be able to speak in complete sentences, and do so in front of other people, some of whom may be a bit hostile. However, as with all positions in this company, thinking must be held to a minimum. The successful candidate should have sales training, as selling is the main part of the job. Dramatic training a plus as you will often be called upon to act offended when what you�re selling is not being bought. We are looking for a dynamic individual who will say anything we put on paper, then defend it and never question it. Must have a positive self-image as you will frequently be made to look the fool, but every court has its jester. Pay is low, $168,000 per year, so people with families to support should look elsewhere. Unmarried C students and Community College graduates are encouraged to apply, as is anyone who�s been an on air personality for a fair and balanced news organization.

Wanted: Evil Genius

Successful Candidate must be more evil than genius, as genius is overrated but high quality evil is hard to come by. If you�ve ever had a moral crisis, questioned corrupt government, thought that industry might be screwing the little guy, or believed the law applied to you�please look elsewhere for employment. We are looking for a person who doesn�t believe in consequences or the cost of their actions. Prison is a possibility, albeit a small one, but compensation will more than make up for a short stay in Club Fed if you�re not granted a Presidential Pardon.. The successful candidate must like working in the shadows and be content to stay behind the curtain and see the damage they do from afar. If you want to rub your hands together and cackle loudly while destroying a person�s character or leading the nation astray, you�ll have to wait until 2008 and find a rube who will make you Vice President.

Wanted: Non-Gay Senator from Idaho (can be Gay but must be in deep denial)

This position is for our branch office, but the qualifications are the same as for an employee at the head office. Successful candidate must have the ability to speak nonsense at a moment�s notice, especially when cameras are rolling. Ignoring reality is a big plus for this position. As with the Attorney General position, blatant stupidity would be helpful, but isn�t necessary if backtracking, feigning ignorance and lying are your strong points. A less than stellar past is perfectly acceptable, but if there are any sex scandals they must be with prostitutes (see D. Vitter, Louisiana) or women other than your wife (see R. Giuliani, New York) as these are peccadilloes we can overlook. We will not tolerate the other kind of sex scandal�if we find out�so don�t tell us�or tell the AG and he�ll forget. The pay isn�t great, but terrific health and pension benefits and you get your pick of the Pages�but we�d prefer they were Pages of the opposite sex.

Wanted: Liaisons, Assistants, and General Toadies

Looking for young energetic people of limited intellects that are afraid to say no and have no experience in the real world. The pay is horrible and the hours unbearable, but you can network your future here, and if you�re willing to steal a little stationary and tell a few lies, they might call you Turd Blossom one day. Student Council officers are encouraged to apply. You must supply your own coffin for daytime sleeping.

Wanted: A Real Leader

W. R. Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, an M.F.A., and three singularly unimpressed children. His wife has been known to say, �Hey, Pynchon, do the dishes.�