NEW AND IMPROVED BILL OF RIGHTS FOR THE LEFT!

 

 

 

By Dr. Laurie Roth Ph.D.
November 7, 2003
NewsWithViews.com

Let me get this straight���.the far left doesn't want the Pledge of allegiance in classrooms, no 10 commandments to remind us of our legal heritage, no nativity scenes, no religious jewelry, no praying at school, no flag waving, no guns, no living babies or apparently handicapped folks. They believe starving and dehydrating a handicapped woman in Florida is a cakewalk and sucking out the brains of a nine-month-old child is warm and cuddly. With all these glowing and progressive ideas capturing our imagination, now the left wants to grace us with more thrilling ideas on a liberal radio talk network. I can hardly wait for the new shows to unveil: "STD's and you"� "Finding love after an asteroid attack"�"How to burn flags and forests at the same time"�"Sex and the rights of Chihuahuas"� "Understanding Bin Laden"�"How to use your lower lip to cover lies"� "Real-estate guide to Chinese condos".

I am also trying to understand how the liberal far left has apparently captured some of our high up military brass. They are desperately concerned about the feelings of terrorists these days. You can't have a mental health breakdown while being interrogated. God forbid! I expect any day to see transport planes shipping thousands of therapists to the front lines to ease the pain of the terrorists as they are captured and interrogated. Why don't we just burn Lt. Colonel West at the stake. After all, he committed the unpardonable sin by scaring the pants off a killer. Really folks, he only saved countless soldiers from death! Let's ruin his life. He's also a Christian; we can get a double reward for taking him out! He only did what every decent person in America would have done, but the Pentagon brass, struck by a liberal alien virus from hell, feels differently. I say, promote Colonel West to General, double his pension and court marshal every Chief Jello-head up the "military-politician" line to burger flipper!!!

It's getting harder but I am trying to reach out and touch the far left and feel their pain. If only I could relate to single cell organisms better. If only there was meaning to all this madness. Perhaps we could then find some common middle ground�perhaps only burn half the flag. Since our own foundational documents seem so offensive, (apparently to even some at the Pentagon) perhaps a few minor revisions could ease the current rift between those who love their country and those who don't. Here are my new suggestions for the Bill of Rights:

Amendment 1

Congress shall make laws denying rights to religion, except if the Bible has been sanitized, gutted and deemed legal by NAMBLA in all 50 states

Amendment 2

A well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state. The right of the people to keep and bear arms is appropriate only if arms are defined as squirt guns, lamp shades, whoopee cushions and Anna Nicole Smith reruns. All other weapons are to be banned.

Amendment 3

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war. However, any Governor, sane or insane, moral or corrupt can seize your property and home at any time if he smells an emergency or epidemic. Perhaps this will be the next solution to low state revenues.

Amendment 4

People have the right to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, except for the following: 94 year old grandmothers in wheelchairs at airports, gun owners, pro lifers, Bible thumpers, hunters, truck drivers and border patrol. All clones, revolving genders, actors, communists and flag burners are exempt from search and seizures.

Amendment 5

No person shall be held to answer for a capital crime unless presented by a peer group of lawyers currently recovering from herpes and who have been married at least 6 times. Also, no person shall be subject for the same offense twice unless of course he is a twin and the jury pool can't tell them apart. Triplets shall be charged at least three times.

Amendment 6

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial. The accused also gets 10% royalty rights on the tell all book, 7% royalties from airings on all major networks, 5% airings on reruns with Chinese and French subtitles, and 3% royalties for posing for tabloids. Since 50% of all accused felons go on to become a congressman, kickbacks to all union heads and ex-interns will be distributed equally by the association of lonely mathematicians, ALM.

Amendment 7

All law suits against tobacco companies start at 100 million, all casino suits start at 75 million; All obesity suits start at 65 million; All wrongful birth suits start at 50 million; All alien hate speech suits start at 46 million; All "I didn't get a date to the prom and now hate women" law suits start at 42 million; "I have the legs of a Tasmanian Wombat and no one will hire me" 30 million; I stuck my tongue on a frozen flag pole and the class left me standing there, 27 million; and finally, I share an IQ with 13 cousins and am too stupid to know who to sue, 22 million.

� 2003 Dr. Laurie Roth Ph.D. - All Rights Reserved

Sign Up For Free E-Mail Alerts