Leaked! Trump Impeachment Articles

Coming July 2, to a Democrat-controlled city near you, the March for Impeachment! In fact, kowabunga, it’s gonna be a **world-wide** march, in case they want to impeach Donald Trump in Venezuela, Zimbabwe, or some other Democrat role model state.

Historically, now, there have always had to be some kind of “grounds” for impeachment. There are supposed to be compelling reasons for it.

Well, how’s this for “compelling”? “Give us what we want, you rich and selfish, narcissistic Republicans—or we’ll shoot ya!” Yes, a New Jersey Democrat “strategist” (he hasn’t been elected to anything) recommends that very approach. And certainly we haven’t heard a peep out of Hillary or Obama, disavowing it.

Even so, there seems to be a little more required in the way of grounds for impeachment, beyond “We’ll kill you if you don’t,” but not to worry—as you read this, Democrats in the House of Representatives are already putting the finishing touches on formal Articles of Impeachment. And best of all, they’ve been leaked to this column!

“Democrats in all 57 states are unanimously behind impeachment,” said Rep. Flungdung Hashpipe (D-Mordor). “It should be easy, now that Republicans understand that they’ll be killed if they don’t cooperate with us.”

“It’s already in the bag,” said Rep. Janie Falsehood (D-Tartarus). “Still, we’ll have to put up some kind of show for the peasants out there in flyover country.”

So what are the Articles? Well, we have the list.

One: Not Being a Democrat. “As we have come to understand the Constitution,” said Rep. Chuck Belial (D-Abaddon), “only members of the Democratic Party are permitted to serve as president. Donald Trump is not a Democrat. Therefore Donald Trump cannot be president.”

Two: Hurting Hillary Clinton’s Feelings. “When Trump won that election,” said Lance Boyle, an actor in Hollywood, “it was the most unkindest cut of all. I was there—I saw what that did to her! Trump’s election was the worst kind of violence against women, and the only way to put it right is to expel him from office and bring in Hillary.”

Three: Only Winning Because the Russians Hacked the Voting Machines and Turned a Near-Unanimous Win for Hillary into a Very Suspicious Win for Trump. “Really, we can’t let the Russians decide, from now on, who gets to be our president,” said Rep. Kweezy al-Qaseltzar (D-Afghanistan). “It’s grossly unfair to poor George Soros, who buys elections in good faith. And I know, I know, they’re always saying, ‘Where’s your evidence?’ Man, we don’t need no stinkin’ evidence! The gravity of the charge is evidence enough.”

Four: Climate Change Denial. “We’re all gonna die unless the powers of the federal government are dramatically expanded to take in every nuance of everyday life, in order to put a stop to Man-Made Climate Change and Save The Planet,” said Rep. Regis Catamite (D-North Korea). “We will also need a major carbon tax, confiscation of all air conditioners owned by persons who are not government officials or Democratic donors, and probably a world government. We can’t get those things from Donald Trump—and it’s a crime to withhold them from us!”

Five, and most serious of all: Attempting to Carry Out His Campaign Promises. “Let’s be honesty with ourselves,” Congressman Hashpipe said. “If the public ever got to expecting us actually to do the thing we promised, none of us would last a week! I mean, what a disaster!

“In attempting to build a border wall, prevent terrorists from coming into this country, create a more favorable climate for business and job growth, and assert America’s leadership in the world, Trump is setting a simply horrible precedent! We can’t have elected officials doing what they were elected to do! It would mean the destruction of our whole political system as we know it!”

Now, I know you’re all curious to learn who leaked this information. Suffice it to say it was someone very, very low down in the Democrat power structure—so far down, in fact, that the paper it’s written on still bears a whiff of brimstone.