What We’re Getting for Our Money

by Lee Duigon

November 25, 2021

Neatly hidden in the House Democrats’ insane spending bill, somewhere around Page 1,350, we find an exhilarating plan to entertain Americans while at the same time making our minds right.

So $20 billion (for starters) has been set aside to create half a dozen new theme parks throughout the country, from sea to shining sea, all of them identical, all of them… the word is “educational.”

Once upon a time in the Bronx, New York, from 1960 to 1964, there was an extravagant new theme park called “Freedomland USA.” I remember the commercials for it. “Mommy and Daddy, take my hand, take me out to Freedomland, $2.95 is all you pay for Freedomland all day!” See the Great Chicago Fire! And other historical re-enactments. The place went bankrupt after just four years, but who can forget it?

“This’ll be a lot like Freedomland,” says Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, “only America has moved on from stuff like that. Our new park will be called Commieland. You’ve gotta love it!”

A ticket for a day of fun at Commieland will cost just $295—“We just moved the decimal point, that little thing that looks like a dot,” she explained—per person and admit every ticket-holder to any exhibit, ride, or jab. Upon entering the park, each person will receive an indelible mark on either the forehead or the hand.

“We don’t want to go bust like Freedomland,” says Cortez, “so we’re gonna Mandate everything. We love Mandates! The Mandate will require every person in America to visit the nearest Commieland at least once a year—and you know what happens to you if you don’t obey a Mandate! Oh—and if you don’t have the mark, later on you won’t be allowed to buy groceries, hold a job, or sell anything. It’ll make life easier for everybody!”

Some of the attractions planned for Commieland are truly innovative. Instead of the familiar roller coaster, Commieland will feature “the Gender Coaster.” As the ride goes up and down, riders will be required to change their genders if they wish to continue. “Actually you can’t get off the ride,” sez Cortez, “so you kinda have to continue! But it’ll give you a whole new appreciation for gender fluidity!”

Then there’s the “Afghanistan Skedaddle,” a mock-up of Bagram Airport. Patrons will don military uniforms and see how many weapons they can throw away as they rush to grab seats on departing airplanes. Park employees dressed like Taliban fighters will hurry the patrons along.

But the most popular attraction is expected to be “the Border Jump,” in which patrons will have to climb up and down a high fence to get free stuff on the other side. One of the prizes will be President Biden hand-puppets, but wooden effigies of Kamala Harris are also expected “to go like hotcakes,” Cortez chortles. “The head is real hard; you can use it as a hammer.”

Also mandated will be attendance at lectures on Critical Race Theory, punctuated by self-denunciation sessions required of all white patrons. “And just for fun,” adds Cortez, “for just another $25 you can ‘Throw a Brick at the White Man,’ and if you hit him, you win a genuine Anti-Racist Badge! This will entitle you to identify as Black!”

But, we ask, is America really ready for Commieland?

“The beauty of it is,” says Cortez, “that we don’t care! Like, ready or not, here we come! What’re they gonna do—vote us out? I don’t think so! Whether you like it or not, all you deplorables and white supremacists out there are gonna get your minds right!

“We’re gonna call it Commieland because that’s what it is. Comrade Xi Jin Ping has already promised to send over a whole crowd of consultants to help us set it up. Hey, America, capitalism is over! Get used to it!”

Author’s Note: I really shouldn’t have to say this, but probably I’d better. This essay is a satire. There is no Commieland.

Not yet.

I have discussed these and other topics throughout the week on my blog, http://leeduigon.com/ . Click the link and visit, before they drag us all off to Commieland. My articles can also be found at www.chalcedon.edu/ .

E-Mail Lee Duigon: leeduigon@verizon.net