W.R. Marshall -- Stephen Colbert in the Outhouse of Power

STEPHEN COLBERT IN THE OUTHOUSE OF POWER

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
November 10, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

The Stephen Colbert presidential juggernaut has crashed and burned. South Carolina�his birthplace, my adopted state, and the only state in the nation where he chose to run�recently put a thick brick wall in front of him.

It wasn�t the state itself, but the respective political parties of the state. (The South Carolina State House has other concerns, like trying to figure out the wording of that re�secession bill they�ve been working on since 1865.)

Colbert, who plays a conservative pompous ass on The Colbert Report on Comedy Central (think Bill O�Reilly, but with more credibility) wanted to run for President in both the Republican and Democratic primaries in South Carolina. As a native son, he probably had as good a chance as anyone on the Republican side. South Carolinians like Fred Thompson�s accent, but liked him better in The Hunt for Red October, and while the folks down here are generally polite, they�d rather say something nice about Abe Lincoln than vote for Rudy Giuliani. As for the Democrats; when the general election rolls around, the Democratic Presidential Nominee is going to be scarcer than low fat food in Charleston, so Colbert would have been the only guy campaigning.

But it never got that far, because South Carolina, the first state to bail out of the Union before the �War of Northern Aggression�, that state that boasts half the symbol of Islam on their own state flag, is one of the states that allows the few to decide whom the many get to vote for. You just can�t go out and get your name on the ballot. We expect this from Republicans. It�s clear they don�t care what we want, because as our masters, they know best. So to keep out the riff-raff, they charge a hefty $35,000 just to become a Republican presidential wanna-be in South Carolina. (Democrats only charge $2500 out of spite.) In a nation where the median income is just above $40,000, that shows Republicans have a sense of humor. Why don�t they get Colbert?

They seem to love that Larry the Cable Guy, and the other Larry, Senator Larry Craig is even funnier�and how can we forget their giant two term joke in the White House. Then again most Republicans think Rush Limbaugh is funny�I guess Stephen Colbert is a bit over their heads.

But we expect more from the Democrats. Will Rogers was a Democrat. All those funny movie stars are Democrats, and there�s nothing funnier than Harry Reid trying to get something done in the Senate. They�re supposed to have a sense of humor.

That�s why I find the words of Waring Howe, a member of the South Carolina Democratic executive council and one of the humorless drones who decide who gets on the Democratic ballot, a little disingenuous when he said, Colbert "serves to detract from the serious candidates on the ballot."

Come on, Waring!

You�re going let Kucinich run in SC, and he�s admitted to seeing a UFO�s and clearly�as borne out by his wife�is only running for president so he can meet hot chicks. Have you actually listened to Mike Gravel? The guy makes Rodney Dangerfield sound like Al Gore. And you�re talking to us about �serious candidates.�

Maybe the problem is South Carolina after all. This is the state that kept that rapist racist cracker Strom Thurmond in office for more than fifty years, and most medical experts agree he was clinically dead during his last term. (And please, no waving the Stars and Bars and burning crosses on my front lawn over the crack about Thurmond being a rapist. He was twenty-two when his sixteen year old maid, Carrie Butler, gave birth to his daughter, all of which the Thurmond family has admitted. You law and order folks out there remind me, what do they call it when a college senior has sex with a high school freshman.) Then there�s S.C. Senator Lindsey Graham, who my gay friends tell me is another homophobic Republican queen, and whose voting record since 2000 reflects his enormous crush on George W. Bush. I can�t speak to that, but Graham certainly was animated when he talked about buying all those $5 rugs at the Petraeus Discount Dog and Pony Bizarre in Baghdad.

At the state level we have idiot savant, Gov. Mark Sanford, whose single talent seems to be getting elected. And there�s Joe Riley, the mayor of Charleston, who has been in office so long he actually had a beer with King Charles (the city�s namesake) back in the 17th Century.

See that�s funny.

Even South Carolina�s new education czar, whose trying to change the culture of a 50% high school graduation rate, hasn�t lost his sense of humor. To prove it, here is wunderkind Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton displaying her comic genius at the Miss Teen USA Pageant: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as in South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." It was a geography question.

Yet, in the midst of all this hilarity, the executive council of the South Carolina Democratic Party voted 13-3 to keep Stephen Colbert off the ballot.

I have a feeling Lindsey Graham is going to be redecorating his senate office for years to come�

W. R. Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, an M.F.A., and three singularly unimpressed children. His wife has been known to say, �Hey, Pynchon, do the dishes.�