W.R. Marshall -- The Petraeus Dairy

THE PETRAEUS DIARY

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
September 15, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

During the weeks that led up General David Petraeus� Surge Report he kept a diary. We�ve recently secured a copy of these writings from an inside source at the White House. What appear today are exclusive excerpts from his diary made during the week before his appearance on the Hill. (In the spirit of full disclosure, we did pay for the diary, although no cash was exchanged. It cost us two boxes of Milk Bones and a Bin Laden chew toy.)

Sept 4 Tuesday
3:30pm: Just got another call from the C in C. You�d think he�d have something better to do than call me twenty times a day, but I guess wandering around the White House all day gives him a lot of free time. He told me for the hundredth time that I�m a �good guy.� There was an embarrassing silence after that, until I told him he was good guy too. I�m pretty sure Larry Craig is gay�not that there�s anything wrong with that. 10:30pm: C in C called and asked me what kind of dog I like. He said he likes Cocker Spaniels and giggled when he said �cocker.�

Sept 5 Wednesday
6:30am: Just got off the phone with Cheney�is it me, or does he look the same as he did during Bush I? He said he was sending over new pages, and then started yelling at someone in the room about closing the curtains before sunrise. When he came back on the phone he wanted assurances that I wouldn�t fold under the pressure of questioning. Who does he think I am, a Democrat? I told his draft dodging candy ass not to worry about it. He cackled�that was a little scary.

11:30am: The new rugs arrived from that Dora Market I set up at Baghdad. They were cheap at twice the price�because it�s not my money. Funny thing is, that cracker Lindsey Graham thinks he got a good deal on the rugs when he was there. How�d he put it, �I jewed them A-rabs down.� I guess he didn�t know about the $2500 we slip the vendors weekly to keep their shops open. Potemkin village my ass, money talks, b.s. walks.

10:30pm: C in C called and asked to borrow my uniform�again. I told him it probably wouldn�t fit and that I�d seen photos of him in his National Guard coveralls and he looked great�yeah, great for a guy who works on Humvees. He asked if I liked mayonnaise.

Sept 6 Thursday
2:30pm: Just got back from lunch with Crocker. Like we need an ambassador to Iraq! We�ve already got Halliburton and 160,000 troops on the ground; we should take what we can now and run like hell before the whole country implodes. I told Crocker�who has really nice hair, maybe I should let mine go gray�there�s no way this is going to work. He said he knew, but he wants to retire and needs the book deal he�s already got from Murdoch. Then he asked me if I wanted more tabouli. I told him that tabouli isn�t food, it�s what food eats. I love that one.

10:30pm: C in C called just to say good night and tell me I was a �good guy.� Heard a dog yapping in the background and the C in C say, �Tear up that Islamo-facist raghead� just before he hung up.

Sept 7 Friday
11:00am: One of Cheney�s minions dropped by with more pages�the guy could really use a tan. I looked them over and can�t believe anyone is going to buy this crap, but when I talk to people around here they all tell me the Democrats will buckle and the Republicans will march along behind the C in C�except the ones who are retiring. These guys seem to be running the country like a banana republic, doing anything they want�which is the only way to get things done. Hell, if we left Saddam in office, we�d already be out of Iraq and have boatloads of oil for our trouble. That�s how it�s gong to end anyway. We�ll put another strong man in power and promise democracy later. Hey, maybe I could be President of Iraq; I�d do a much better job than Bremer did.

10:30pm: C in C called, wanted to know if like the �curly pretzels or the straight ones?�

Sept 8 Saturday
10:00pm: A skinny blonde woman, can�t recall her name�Poulter, Houlter, something like that�just showed up at the door and said she was sent to make sure things were on track. Promised me a night I�d never forget if I got the report right. I told her I�d been to Viet Nam where you could get a night you�d never forget for less than Lindsey Graham paid for a rug. She asked if �Viet Nam was that new Thai place on D Street?� I gave her a $20 and threw he bony ass out. 10:30pm: C in C called, told me he has to burn at least �1,000 calories a workout.�

Sept 9 Sunday
9:00pm: Tomorrow�s the day. Once they get a load of all this salad on my chest they�ll all drop to their knees like Saudi Arabia at Sunset. This is going to be a cakewalk. 10:30pm: C in C called to tell me he doesn�t like horses.

W. R. Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, an M.F.A., and three singularly unimpressed children. His wife has been known to say, �Hey, Pynchon, do the dishes.�