W.R. Marshall -- The Adventures of Superdelegate

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERDELEGATE

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
February 16, 2008
NewsWithViews.com

Faster than a 10 gig internet connection! More powerful than all the Democrats in Florida! Able to get people on the phone who don�t even know you�re alive! (Look, on the Convention floor. It�s a Senator! It�s a Governor! It�s Superdelegate!)�Yes, it�s Superdelegate�well connected Democratic Party Hack with a Rolodex and a slush fund far beyond those of regular delegates. Superdelegate�who can change the course of national elections, ignore the will of the people, and who, disguised as a mild mannered Congressman or Senator or Governor or even ex-President, fights a never ending battle for favors, earmarks and maybe even a Cabinet Post.

(Superdelegate, in his mild-mannered guise as a hard working man of the people, is reading the Sports Section of USA Today while Betty, his intern�and the only person who knows his secret identity�gives him a foot massage.)

SUPERDELEGATE
Careful of my bunions there, Betty. Which reminds me, when you�re done, see if we know someone who�s state makes shoes. You can�t expect me to see which way the wind is blowing if my dogs hurts.

BETTY
I think all shoes are made in Asia now, SD.

SUPERDELEGATE
Then call the Chinese Embassy, and tell them to put it on my bill.

(Suddenly, the Supersecret Superdelegate phone rings.)

BETTY
Yes. Yes, I see. (She hangs up.) Sir, there�s trouble at the Clinton Campaign.

SUPERDELGATE
Then it�s a good thing my shoes are already off, because this looks like a job for, Superdelegate.

Betty watches as Superdelegate flies out the window.

BETTY
(wistfully) If only I could make a deal for his heart the way he makes deal for federal funding.

(Moments later at Clinton Campaign Headquarters.)

SUPERDELEGATE
I came as quickly as I could, Hillary. How can I help?

HILLARY
I won�t lie to you Superdelegate, we�re a little worried. We�re losing delegates left and center. If it wasn�t for your heroic efforts we�d be behind in the overall delegate count.

SUPERDELEGATE
That�s why I�m here, Hillary, to make sure the common man doesn�t highjack the party. None of us want another Jimmy Carter�hahahahahaha.

HILLARY
Hahahahahaha�oh, Superdelegate, you always make me feel much better.

SUPERDELEGATE
All in a days work, Madame President.

(He winks, and heads for the open window.)

HILLARY
(Shouting after him) And tell Al I�ll make him Secretary of Carbon if he gets onboard.

(Superdelegate takes to the skies once more. Suddenly his wrist communicator/Rolex/gift from the Singapore Ministry of Trade and Industry beeps.)

SUPERDELEGATE
Yes, Betty.

BETTY
Trouble at the Obama Campaign. They need you right now. Should I cancel your massage?

SUPERDELEGATE
No need, Betty my girl. I can solve everyone�s problem and still get back in time for my rub-down�that�s why I�m Superdelegate.

BETTY
(wistfully) You sure are.

(Moments later at Obama Campaign Headquarters.)

SUPERDELEGATE
I came as quickly as I could, Barack. How can I help?

BARACK
I just want you to assuage my fears, Superdelegate. There�s change in the air, every day more and more people join us in our march to take back America, to once again make it the land of the Dream. But Hillary has the machine and the machine worries me. I have more delegates now, and there are certainly more on the way, but she has more of the old party loyalists behind her. Can you help me, Superdelegate?

SUPERDELEGATE
Yes we can, Barack. A whisper here, a promise there, a tax break for a bauxite importer in Ohio, ease the child labor laws for Disney, and suddenly you�ve got yourself another 700 votes.

BARACK
I knew I could count on you.

SUPERDELGATE
All Democrats, as long as they have something to offer, can count on me�except Jimmy Carter. Hahahahaha.

BARACK
Jimmy who�hahahahaha. Thank you again, Superdelegate.

SUPERDELEGATE
All in a day�s work, Mister President.

(He winks, and heads for the open window.)

BARACK
(Shouting after him) And tell Al I�ll make him Secretary of Glaciers if he gets onboard.

(Moments later Superdelegate is back at his office. Betty is just getting off the phone.)

BETTY
No time to rest, SD. You�re wanted at the White House.

SUPERDELEGATE
The White House. They don�t have anything we want, why are they calling me?

BETTY
They need your help. It seems no one has seen Vice President Cheney for months�

WR Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, which he's still paying for-in more ways than one...