W.R. Marshall -- Turd Blossom's Farewell

TURD BLOSSOM'S FAREWELL

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
October 3, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

TO: REPUBLICANS ONLY
FROM: THE BRAIN
RE: THE FUTURE OF THE PARTY�and America, for what it�s worth
DATE: 8/2007

By the time you read this, I�ll be gone. You know me, never wanted the limelight, no big farewell party, just slip out the back door with a suitcase full of stock options, sweetheart deals, and fond memories.

We�ve had some great times and you�ve all been part of it. It seems like yesterday we were stealing the election down in Florida. That Kathy Harris was quite the babe; sorry to see her go down in �06�was that a poor choice of words?? We should all thank Osama for giving W a second chance, he was screwing things up pretty good before that, but like I always said, give me a pile of poop and I�ll grow a flower; we have our own Texas Rose in the White House to prove it.

I�m glad we shouted down the pansies in the party and moved ahead with that swift boat thing for �04. I told you it would make all the difference. Even McCain signed on, and we pretty much called him a collaborator during �00 primaries. You have to trust the Brain guys. Hell, Kerry kicked our ass in the debates and we still won the general. You have to remember people just aren�t that smart, and the base, well, let me put it this way, if the base was all Eskimos, I could sell them ice�a lot of ice.

So don�t worry about the base, they�ll be there, even if you piss on them�and we have�they�ll show up in November. As for everyone else, I leave you with this advice:

In the fall the party is gong to be asked to debate in front of Hispanics and Blacks. Look, they don�t have enough money for us to worry about, and there aren�t enough of them for us to care about their votes. So when they ask, just say no. By turning our backs on these so-called minorities, we will once again embolden the base and make a strong statement of who we are. That�s where we have it all over the Democrats, we�re decisive. Face it, W�s been wrong on pretty much everything he�s done since he got into office (except for no-bid contracts) but people think he�s decisive, even if those decisions are wrong. It�s the same thing here, screw the dark people, they have nothing to offer us. Make the strong move, then tell everyone that not debating in front of minorities is just like the Democrats not debating on Fox. And far more people watch Fox than watch BET or UniVision�at least far more people who make more than $200,000 a year.

Next, it�s always about patriotism, always about us versus them and if you�re not us, you�re them. Keep saying it until they believe it�even if it�s a lie. This tactic worked for the Nazis and the Commies and for us for almost six years, then the �06 mid-terms happened. I thought we were finished and honest debate would start again. Fortunately the mid terms brought the Democrats to power, who could really use a guy like me but think they�re above it (and let�s all be thankful Carvel is doing sports on satellite radio). Democrats think debate should be focused on non-binding resolutions and procedural matters. More importantly they think Americans can think. There�s a reason the founders formed a representative republic and not a pure democracy. They knew, like we know, people want us to do their thinking for them.

The other thing is Democrats are terrified of Viet Nam allusions. They�re afraid to say anything that might sound like they don�t support the troops. If they asked me I�d tell them to say the best way to support the troops is to stop the troops from getting killed in a civil war America can�t win�but they haven�t asked me. If it seems one of them has found the courage to say something, send a general to the hill with a chest full of medals; that usually shuts them up.

Finally, even though most of you don�t really believe, the base believes you believe, so make a good show, and pray for Hillary. Pray she gets the nomination. Just between us, I don�t actually think God is a Republican�I just say that when they�re paying me $50,000 for a speech�but I�m pretty sure he�s not a Democrat either. I am sure if there is a god, he�s a he. Anyway, Hillary is our best shot at maintaining the White House. I�m the first to admit this crop of potential party nominees is pretty sad. Giuliani still in the lead is all you need to know about that. But if Hillary gets the nomination, all those people disgusted with both parties will hold their noses and vote for our guy, whoever that guy is. Trust me on this; people just don�t like a Clinton.

That�s my advice, I�d give you more, but no one�s paying me and I�m done working cheap. I�d like say I�ve left the ship of state sailing smoothly and heading for calm and peaceful waters�but I haven�t, and I really don�t care. I�ve got mine, go get yours.

W. R. Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, an M.F.A., and three singularly unimpressed children. His wife has been known to say, �Hey, Pynchon, do the dishes.�