W.R. Marshall -- It's All True

IT'S ALL TRUE

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
October 20, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

Last week, in an effort to restore some of the crumbling public support of the United States Congress, the House Foreign Affairs Committee, in a bi-partisan effort, stepped forward and delivered the kind of legislative bravery not seen since Nobunaga deposed the Shogunate and centralized Japanese government in 1567. No, the war in Iraq still rages and there�s still a health care crisis in America, but in a 27-21 vote the Committee passed a daring, non-binding resolution officially recognizing the Armenian genocide at the hands of the Turks. The Committee members could no longer sit idly by and do nothing about this ninety year old tragedy. After furious debate and many a sleepless night, they hammered out a toothless piece of paper that clearly states something bad happened in some other part of the world between 1915 and 1923 and they want us to know that they know. (And soon Hillary Clinton will introduce the same legislation in the Senate, the same legislation her husband killed back in 2000.) In one fell swoop Congress has regained the trust and respect of the American people, and with the wind of this victory fresh in their sails, they are presently crafting a Congressional Scolding of Spanish Inquisitor-General Torquemada, who did a bunch of bad stuff that no one expected in 1492.

In related news, George W. Bush�no, he didn�t sign anything expanding health care for anyone, and yes, he still wants to nuke Iran�has chided Congress for dunning the Turks, one of our allies in his pre-emptive war of last resort against Iraq. With Dick Cheney locked in a closet somewhere in the West Wing, all the President�s other men and women are jumping in front of every microphone they can find wagging their tongues and fingers at Congress for being so indelicate. After all, John and Jane Q Public might have forgotten, but history will remember that this was the President who told Bin Laden to �Bring it on.� He�s the Commander Guy who almost negotiated one on one with North Korea, who nearly stepped in to stop the carnage between Hezbollah and Israel, and who almost barely tried to get Saddam to change his evil ways. This is a man who knows diplomacy the way he knows horses. When it�s time to talk, it�s time to talk and George W. Bush has proven, perhaps more than any other president, that he has a special way with words. And they gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize?

This just in: Dick Cheney has announced he will not retire at the end of his term, but accept the new Justice Department position of Inquisitor-General.

Speaking of Al Gore, in addition to being Vice-President from 1992-2000, and President in 2000, he can now add Nobel Peace Prize recipient, 2007. The man who made the Internet everyone�s favorite place to find free pornography (Bill Gates just happened to be in the right place at the right time) has claimed the prestigious award for his tireless efforts as Earth�s biggest fan. Tree Hugger One, as he�s called by insiders, has traveled across the globe, flown to its farthest reaches, driven from pole to pole, in a singular effort to get people to be more energy conscious, to leave a smaller carbon footprint. There is no longer any scientific doubt that global warming is a reality and Gore is taking the message everywhere�along with a bunch of electrical equipment for a multi-media show. The Nobel Committee split his prize with a U.N. Committee doing the same kind of work. While the Peace Price generally goes to an individual for some specific effort to bring about peace, Nelson Mandela in South Africa, Jimmy Carter in the Middle East (there�s talk of taking that one back), they felt the work Gore and the Committee are doing could have a long term effect for peace on the planet, as there will still be a planet on which to have peace.

Republicans, who don�t believe in global warming or peace, have congratulated Gore nonetheless. However just to cover their bets, they�ve given Halliburton a no-bid contract to terraform Mars and most of the Republican leadership has already signed on to rule the Red Planet. Rumor has it they will no longer be called Republicans. The new party name will be �The Only Party That Will Ever Lead Because God Said So.� George W. Bush was not invited to serve as the first Emperor-Pope; in fact, he doesn�t even know it�s going on. But Ann Coulter has accepted the position of Concubine-Fuehrer and has pledged to keep the planet Jew free.

Okay, so it wasn�t all true, but most of it was, and that�s really depressing�really, really depressing.

W. R. Marshall is a syndicated columnist and novelist. His column, 'A Dull Ache'(tm) is read in over one hundred markets around the world. He also has a PhD, an M.F.A., and three singularly unimpressed children. His wife has been known to say, �Hey, Pynchon, do the dishes.�