WELCOME TO FANTASY PRESS CONFERENCE

by Dr. W.R. Marshall, Ph.D
November 3, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

In the midst of the recent tragedy of the California fires, F.E.M.A., who did most things right this time, found a way to shoot itself in the foot once again. While the wildfires still raged in San Diego, F.E.M.A. held a press conference in D.C. Unfortunately, they arranged it at the last minute and not a single member of the press showed up. The Administration looking to right the wrongs of Katrina�you're still doin' a heck of a job, Brownie, whatever you might be doin'�decided to go ahead with it anyway. They just held a phony press conference, where F.E.M.A. staffers pretended to be reporters and asked tough questions like, "I hear you love baby seals and quilting. Is that a comfort to F.E.M.A. staffers who are helping victims of the fire and not here asking you fake questions?"

The non-news conference is nothing new for this government, and for the Bush Administration. For those who might have forgotten, during his first term, President Bush avoided the press like Count Cheney avoids daylight. The White House has denied any involvement in this mess�just like they denied involvement in torture, outing a CIA Agent, being in bed with lobbyists�but they did invent the mother of all fake news stories, phony WMDs, so we can't put it past them.

With that in mind I'm holding my own fake press conference. I can't get to everyone today, so if I've missed someone, I'll get them next time.

WR: My first question is for President Bush. Mr. President, do you feel your presidency has been a success?

PRESIDENT: I gotta tell ya, WR, I been in over my head from day one. I really haven't done much right�tell ya the truth, I haven't done anything right. So, considering I haven't been impeached, yeah, I'd call that a success. You gotta remember, I couldn't find oil in Texas.

WR: Thank you for th...Senator Clinton, why is your hand raised?

MS. CLINTON: I want to answer that question, WR.

WR: But you're not the president, nor have you been elected.

MS. CLINTON: Nevertheless, after eight years of my administration all of America will be proud of what we will have accomplished.

WR: Thank you for that bit of clairvoyance. Since you're in a chatty mood; you're seen as quite a divisive figure�

PRESIDENT: Me too, Hill.

MS. CLINTON: Thanks, Dubya.

WR: Ladies and gentlemen, please. As I was saying�

MS. CLINTON: Yeah, yeah, I've heard it a thousand times; I'm a polarizing figure, half the country won't vote for me, blah, blah, blah. Look, the truth is, I'm probably the only Democrat running who can keep the Republicans in the White House. In fact, I bet the country would elect Obama before they'd elect me, and he's�well, you know.

WR: Then why are you running?

MS. CLINTON: To get even with Bill.

WR: Indeed. Senator Obama, since you've been dragged into this, let me ask you a sensitive question; are you black enough?

MR. OBAMA: I believe I'm the perfect shade, somewhere between Flav-a-Flav and Mitt Romney.

WR: And you think that's what the country is looking for?

MR. OBAMA: To tell you the truth, none of us really care what the country is looking for, we just want the benefits package.

PRESIDENT: Ain't that the truth.

VICE PRESIDENT: Hell, I've never listened to anyone, not even me�remember back in the 90's when I said if we invaded Iraq we'd have the mess we have now, good thing I didn't listen. No future in listening. I tell people what to do, what to say, and what to think. Then I go hide out at Halliburton and count my stock options, hehehehehe�

WR: Thank you, Darth Cheney.

MR. KUCINICH: Don't listen to him. Listening is good. If you listen, they think you're sensitive�especially the chics, check out my wife.

PRESIDENT CLINTON: Been there, done that�but 'been' is a form of 'is' and what is is might not be what you think is is.

MS. CLINTON: Shut up, Bill.

PRESIDENT CLINTON: Yes, dear.

WR: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's simmer down�what is that noise? Senator Larry Craig is that you singing?

MR. CRAIG: It's rainin' men, hallelujah, it's rainin' men, amen.

WR: Senator Craig, why the charade? Even George Will says being gay is no longer a stigma; it's like being left handed.

MR. CRAIG: I'm not left-handed; I've never been left handed. When I was in college people said I was left-handed, but I know which hand I use.

WR: Yes, Senator Clinton.

MS. CLINTON: I just want to be on record as saying I raised my left hand just then, and my right hand before. After eight years of my administration people of the future will look back and say there was never one instance of hand discrimination.

WR: Thank you, Senator. Mayor Giuliani, where do you stand on the hand issue?

MR. GUILIANA: I don't think that has anything to do with 9/11 so I'm not going to answer it. To be honest, 9/11 was a case of being in the right place at the right time�like the President. If it wasn't for Bin Laden, we'd have forgotten his name ten minutes after he lost his re-election bid�if he would have gotten the nomination. When people really see what I did in New York, I don't think they're going to like it. That's why the firefighters won't talk to me. But after I'm elected president, I'll have a special gulag for them�and another for all the left-handed people.

MS. CLINTON: Nazi!

MR. GIULIANA: Woman!

PRESIDENT CLINTON: Where? Where!?

That seems like a good place to end. I'd like to thank me for indulging me in this little bit of fiction, and thank my guests for their false honesty. Now they can all go back to lying to us again�not that they ever stopped.

� 2007 - W.R. Marshall - All Rights Reserved

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