by Lee Duigon
March 16, 2023
Hi-Times Amusements Inc. has landed a $300 billion contract to create a “Mount Rushmore-type” monument to America’s progressive movement. Disgruntled plebs are already calling it “Mount Blushmore.”
Undaunted by nearly universal mockery, company commissar Willie Makit says “The sheer excitement of this project makes me oogy all over!”
Naturally, the big question is “Where is this thing gonna go?” and “Whose portraits will we use?” What? That’s two questions? Well, whatever.
“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to decide which four progressive icons we should use,” Makit said. “I mean, there are so many of them! Hundreds! And you really hate to leave anybody out—but, y’know, we only have so many mountains in this country. Our friends in China have offered to lease us a couple hundred miles of the Himalayas, but the logistics of doing that come out to some $980 trillion and we just can’t raise that much—even with a special tax. Regrettably, we’ll just have to settle for the Rockies.”
Mr. Makit said he’s been up all night for several weeks in a row, trying to decide which portraits are to be carved into the mountains. “We can’t possibly use everyone who deserves recognition for fundamentally transforming America into what it is today! How do you say ‘no’ to President Obama? To say nothing of John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Adam Schiff—gee, I really wanted to do him! With those eyes of his!—Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, that guy Swalwell or whatever his name is… But we can only use four. Oh, my head is spinning!”
But wait, there’s more. “We’re not crazy American nationalists, you know,” he said. “We are well aware that without vital contributions from other countries, other times, there would be no American progressive movement! So our board has decided that only one of the four portraits should be of an American. Because—wait for it!—there’s just no way we can leave out Comrade Fidel Castro, Chairman Mao, and the very father of progressivism, Karl Marx.”
Mount Rushmore has Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. (“White supremacists!” snorts Makin.) So far, Mount Blushmore has decided on Castro, Mao, and Marx. But that’s only three. Who will be the lone American up there?
“We’ve tried everything, hoping it’ll lead us to the right decision—ouija board, tarot cards, dowsing, extreme fasting, lots and lots of weed: you name it, we’ve tried it!”
One more try–ironically, the solution Makin thought least likely to bear fruit—was a secret public opinion poll conducted by lemurs.
“We were shocked when the winner emerged… and who was that but President Joe Biden? Yes, Biden!” He shook his head in wonder. “President Biden got 100 million votes,” he said. “And we only sent out 5 million ballots! Well, he ain’t president for nothin’! And he’s sure to feel at home, once he’s up there with the other three.”
Construction will begin, Makin said, as soon as Climate Change allows.
I have discussed these (well, maybe not these!) and other topics throughout the week on my blog, http://leeduigon.com/ . Click the link and visit: maybe we’ll get a monument, too. My articles can also be found at www.chalcedon.edu/ .
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E-Mail Lee Duigon: leeduigon@verizon.net
