An Interview with Western Civilization

by Lee Duigon

[Transcript of last night’s broadcast of “Eternity Today”]

HOST: Welcome, welcome to another “Eternity Today,” the show that has the whole afterlife talking! I’m your host, Monty Griffin; and please give a warm welcome to tonight’s special guest, Western Civilization. [Applause. Exchange of pleasantries.]

HOST: Western Civilization has just died after a run of—what was it?—at least 3,000 years. Pretty good, eh? [Applause] So tell us, Western Civilization. When you finally crashed and burned… what were you doing?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: [Shuffles feet. Looks at floor. Mumbles incoherently.]

HOST: Relax! It’s all over now—learn to be comfy in eternity. Just tell us what you were doing when the crash came.

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: Well… Like… Oh, man, this is so embarrassing! We… well, we were making up genders. Okay? Dozens of new genders! And new sexual lifestyles to go with them! And new laws against saying it was a really bad idea.

HOST [amazed]: You mean, while the Chinese communists were dominating your markets, buying their way into Hollywood and into so many of your universities…. And inventing new diseases, like the one that wiped you out… instead of watching them closely and trying to prevent them from doing stuff like that, you guys were…sheesh!… inventing new genders?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: That’s about the size of it, Monty. Oh! I’m so ashamed! Who ever would’ve thought that it would end like this?

HOST: Uh, actually, Westy, a lot of different people thought so. And warned you. Again and again. But you never listened. You just said it was “religion,” and made faces at them and called them bigots and haters who were on the wrong side of history, and drew up new speech codes to shut them up. You stopped your ears and turned away. Not to mention all that time and energy you wasted on that Climate Change business—which you knew was just a lot of nonsense, but you pushed it anyway. You got people good and scared over that—so they were primed for panic, really primed, when that whole virus thing came along.

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: If only I’d come to my senses in time! On my way to this studio, in fact, guess who was driving my cab. Babylonian Civilization! “Thought it couldn’t happen to you, eh? It happened to me, but not you! How does it feel, Westy—sitting on the ash-heap with the rest of us? Even the Gauls are laughing at you!” I had to listen to him all the way here!

Oh, if only I’d taken adequate precautions! Why, oh, why, did I ever listen to the globalists? If only I hadn’t been so greedy for all that Chinese money, that it made me totally blind to the slap-dash way they do things in Red China! How could I have been so blind? If only! I might’ve gotten off with just a damned good scare—just enough to scare me back onto the right track. But no! I was preoccupied with all sorts of silliness.

HOST: You were busy making up new genders. Hey, you had to know that none of that was real! You had to know that all along, didn’t you?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: [Breaks down into tears, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Rends his garment.] Of course I knew it! I knew it all the time! But then I convinced myself I didn’t know it! Just like I convinced myself that I could work the Green New Deal. And the next thing I knew, I was not only woke, but broke! Brother, I learned my lesson, big-time—but I learned it too late! [Agonized howls. Studio audience breaks into thunderous applause.]

HOST: Whew! That was really something, wasn’t it? Well, folks, that’s it for “Eternity Today” today. Tune in to “Eternity Today” tomorrow for another special guest who wishes it was… yesterday! [Cut to commercial]

I have discussed these and other issues throughout the week on my blog, http://leeduigon.com/ . Stop in for a visit; a single click will take you there. My articles can also be found at www.chalcedon.edu/ .

E-Mail Lee Duigon: leeduigon@verizon.net