This is only a brief glimpse into the world of Heaven Forbid. We are not there. Not yet, at least.
Year Two of President Hillary Clinton’s first term got off to a running start yesterday when she signed into law the Fairness and Justice to All Americans Act, which gives expanded voting rights to designated minorities.
“This is how we make up for years of abuse and neglect suffered by all the victims of our racist, sexist, xenoph0bic, evil past,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And we’ll make it up fast!”
The Act will give five votes each, in every national election, to gay, lesbian, transgendered, and non-English-speaking Americans, and also to any African-American who can prove he or she has never voted Republican. It will give two votes each to all undocumented persons currently awaiting passage of the Immigration Reform and Instant Voting Rights Act.
“I am so proud to be signing this!” President Hillary Clinton said. “And I am proud of Congress for passing this legislation despite vicious opposition from mean-spirited, deplorable biggits. Contrary to their claims, we have taken away no one’s voting rights—not even theirs. We have only expanded the rights of all those Americans who have been short-changed by an unfair system.”
A Supreme Court challenge is expected, but Chief Justice Barack Obama has already decreed that the Act “will sail right through with flying colors.”
“We now have a truly living Constitution which changes and evolves from day to day,” the former president said. “We are no longer bound by anything that any bunch of dead white men might have said a hundred years ago.”
With the recent impeachments and untimely deaths of Associate Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, and their replacement by Chelsea Clinton and Alec Baldwin, Chief Justice Obama predicted that the Act would be upheld unanimously.
Next on the docket, said the president, is passage of the Right Thinking Act. “I’m sure we can rely on Senator Schumer to get this to my desk next week at the latest,” she said. “I’m already limbering up my pen to sign it!”
The Right Thinking Act will ensure that only opinions “conforming to Science and to Social Justice norms” will be heard in any discussion of public affairs. It will give Attorney General-for-Life Loretta Lynch the authority to investigate and prosecute such wicked crimes as Climate Change Denial, Marriage Equality Denial (soon to be listed as a felony in all 57 states), Denying the Wholesome Peacefulness of Islam, and Saying Nasty Things About the President Or Looking Directly At Her When She Doesn’t Want You To.
“This is another reform that’s long overdue,” President Clinton said. “After all, every crime starts out as a criminal thought—and there’s nothing in the First Amendment which gives anyone the right to think bad thoughts. Now that we’ve let all the detainees out of Guantanamo, and sent them home with well-deserved reparations payments, we’ll have plenty of space for holding potential enemies of the people… until their minds are right.
“There’s just so much to do! But I’m glad to say we’re doing it. Together we will overcome racism, sexism, heterosexism, ableism, hate speech, hate thought, and saying ‘Merry Christmas’ instead of ‘Happy Holiday.’ You have my word on it!”
This is the world of Heaven Forbid.
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