Make Way for Utopia

by Lee Duigon

June 6, 2024

New Jersey Democrats have finally shattered the glass ceiling that separates the living from the dead.

In their recent primary, they have elected a man who died in April.

“We have long agonized over how to secure voting rights for undocumented migrants,” said a man who prefers to remain anonymous: his neighbor’s children play tacky jokes on him. “But there is an even bigger underserved minority—the dead.”

Combine Artificial Intelligence (AI) with actual historical data, “And the next thing you know,” said our source, “for all practical purposes, we’re bringing people back—from the dead!

“It’ll be the greatest thing since those little boats in the old Tidy Bowl ads!” he continued. “Once we get that 18^th Amendment , or whatever it is, out of the way, there will be nothing to stop us from electing, over and over again, the best and the brightest.

“Franklin Roosevelt won four terms as president. Think what he could have done with eight, or twelve! Think what he could do if we brought him back today.”

But wait, there’s more!

“Think of the awesome spectacle of Mount Rushmore: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and that other Roosevelt,” our source went on. “Okay, they’re only big heads carved out of the rock—or are they? Are they really? Can’t they be much more than that?

“Where is it written that a massive AI system can’t be installed in each of those four heads? Why not take our country’s problems to its wisest leaders and let them guide us? Why should it always be up to us to solve problems? I don’t know about you, but that kind of thinking always makes my head hurt!”

America, he added, “must not fall into the trap of underestimating AI—and to think how, for years and years, you only saw ‘ai’ as the answer to a crossword puzzle clue! It was a two-toed sloth or something.”

Meanwhile, we have been trying to get the Washington Post to dig up the actual identity of the speaker, supposedly a major figure in the Biden White House (we don’t believe his only job is to feed the goldfish). Unfortunately, the WaPo is in a bit of a shambles just now. Sales are down 50 percent, the executive editor has been shown the door to the sidewalk, and various staffers are in a panic over rumors that the management plans to replace them with AI bots.

Well, why not? Surely a bunch of two-toed tree sloths couldn’t lose more money than they’ve lost already. Nay-sayers are blaming the loss of revenue on the paper’s predictably Woke stance on any public issue, which, they say, “turns off normal people.” The paper’s motto, “Democracy dies in darkness,” means more than just having the lights turned off for failure to pay the electric bill.

But think of the future. No more elections. No more scandals. Just a great big country safely humming along in the hands of AI robots, with no need for flesh-and-blood humans to do any thinking at all.

Utopia is knocking at our door.

I have discussed these and other issues throughout the week on my blog, http://www.leeduigon.com/ . Click the link and visit… or get a robot to do it for you. My articles can also be found at www.chalcedon.edu/ .

E-Mail Lee Duigon: leeduigon@verizon.net